Ahh... now wasn't that nice?
This isn't a list of the worst movies of the year. These are the movies I felt failed in some way to capture what they were hoping to achieve, or movies that I felt were over-hyped, or other reasons I will explain later. Largely, this is a list of disappointing movies for me. Generally, I don't bother watching movies I know I won't enjoy (hence me choosing not to watch creatures like 'Blended'), so when I put a movie on or go to the movies, I usually put at least a little thought into it. Sometimes, I know what I'm going into - such being the case with Ouija, Annabelle, Dracula Untold, I Frankenstein, etc. I did not expect these to be good movies, so I could not be too let down by them. The movies that are on this list are the ones I had at least some expectations for...that, or they're so profoundly stupid, they make the list just on the principle of it.
So, before I bore my audience to oblivion, here is the list. Enjoy.
10. Frank
Directed by Lenny Abrahamson
Michael Fassbender is one of the best actors in the world. So what's the best way to use him? Stick paper mache on his head and force him into a supporting role in a movie named after his character, of course! Now, this isn't my main problem with this movie, but it does factor in to my concerns. The actual main character in this movie is totally uninteresting, and almost every other "character" found in it has little-to-no depth to speak of. I didn't find the story interesting, the characters were flat, and it wasn't funny to me at all. So what did I really get out of this movie? I didn't expect greatness, but what I got was disappointing and a total waste of the talent involved
9. Neighbors
Directed by Nicholas Stoller
About 6-8 months before Seth Rogen tried to get us all blown up by North Korea, a different stupid comedy of his came out that seemed to gain quite a large audience. That movie would be...well, Neighbors, obviously. I wrote it right up there, see? You'd have to be pretty stupid to miss that. Anyway, this movie, as much as everyone seemed to love it, was about as dumb and unfunny as any comedy I've seen in the past several years -- not counting Happy Madison movies, obviously, seeing as how I purposely avoid those. The part that really threw me off about this one, though, is that none of the jokes were original, the characters were flat, and it didn't hit any emotional levels you couldn't find in any other raunchy Apatow comedies like this. So why did people love this movie so much? As much as I try to figure this out, the answer still eludes me. I laughed a relatively small amount during this movie, and walked away almost forgetting I'd even seen it within 20 minutes, despite the fact I had spent most of that time whining about how stupid it was. Only in talking about how dumb and unfunny it was have I been able to remember it even existed.
8. Deliver Us From Evil
Directed by Scott Derrickson
Remember when I said there is an exception to my low expectations rule if a movie is profoundly stupid? Well, this movie is that exception. Despite the fact that this movie isn't exactly the most surprisingly-bad movie of the year, I still expected something that would be at least slightly creepy and not totally ridiculous in every way. The acting was bad, the story and set-up are generic, the scares are minimal and poorly-executed, and with a running time that's right about 2 hours, the whole thing drags on and on and doesn't amount to anything even remotely original or scary. And since I'm on the topic of how much of a failure this thing was, Joel McHale is in this movie. A horror movie. And as much as I enjoy him as a comedian, this was terrible, terrible, terrible casting. One of the worst parts about this is that this movie was made by the same guy who directed Sinister, which was actually really cool and creepy. Having already written a review on this movie, I don't have much else to say about it, other than to remind potential viewers that this film features a scene involving a crucified cat, and a totally unrelated moment where a crazy woman hurls a baby into a ravine...which was actually probably the films highlight, because that was pretty funny.
7. Interstellar
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Christopher Nolan has never made a movie that's as good as the general population would have you believe. Not even The Dark Knight, which I still feel is one of the best action movies of the past 10 years. So, with that little bit out of the way, I have another bold statement to make: Interstellar is the worst movie Christopher Nolan has ever directed. LE GASP! The worst movie by one of the most overrated directors? This must be a pretty horrible movie...well, it isn't, actually. It's just not good, that's all. But it is so thick in Nolan-ness, it could choke a tiger shark. There are great moments in this movie, don't get me wrong. The music is fantastic, the visual effects are (of course) amazing, and the performances are mostly good. But where this movie lacks is in the same department as almost every other movie he has made: the writing. The screenplay tries so desperately hard to implement science and logic into it's totally B.S. explanations of how science and logic function, it acts more as an insult to the audience than anything else. Also features one of the lamest endings we've seen in a movie all year. It's a big movie with big ideas, but none of them are pulled off quite right. I certainly didn't hate it, but between it's insanely long running time, poor screenplay, and bizarre misuse of Matt Damon, I can't way I walked away from this movie a satisfied filmgoer.
6. Big Hero 6
Directed by Don Hall & Chris Williams
Yet another universally-loved movie that I thought was just plain dull. I know there are certain things you have to forgive kids movies of doing, like not being original, following generic plot threads, trying desperately hard to make comic relief characters suuuper funny and not at all annoying, etc. But this movie didn't do any of those things right. Several lead characters have the potential to be truly dynamic, and in a few scenes they really do become compelling. But even with these several moments of genuine human emotion and relatability, I still felt the rest of the movie failed at making me care enough during these few bits to warrant its existence as a whole. Baymax is a fun, cute character, and I enjoyed watching him do his thing, but apart from him, this movie just didn't appeal to me. Everything that happened in this movie was totally predictable in every way, and even with the allowances I'm giving it on the grounds that "it's a kiiiiids mewwwveeee", I still thought it was too much. And also, this isn't a "kids" movie. It's a family movie. And as a member of a family, that should mean I'd be able to enjoy it, too. Which I didn't. So there.
5. Selma
Directed by Ava DuVernay
Oh, the potential...every year, we get at least one more of these movies: white guilt historical dramas with great potential for genuine human emotion. What do we get, though? More often than not, these movies squander all potential and opt for the Oprah route of desperately cloying melodrama. Not only is she a horrible entity to produce a film, but her acting is also (as always) quite lacking and adds nothing but tedium to the film as a whole. I wanted to care about what happened in this movie; I tried to care about what happened in this movie. But when the desperation for extracting emotional responses becomes a centerpiece in the film, all I felt was the urge to suppress my almost nonstop eye-rolls. There are two great moments in this movie, and both of which are only great by their abruptness and lack of melodrama -- until the instant after the events take place, which are then laced with dramatic music and slow-motion. This is a great example of a movie that tried way too hard and didn't ever strike me as a success in any way. Well, other than David Oyelowo. He made for an excellent MLK.
4. Boyhood
Directed by Richard Linklater
DUN DUN DUNNN!!! Here is the part where both fresh and rotten fruit start being flung at me with a voracity that knows no bounds. Boyhood is not a good movie. There, I said it. Richard Linklater is an extremely talented writer/director with about a half dozen other films more deserving of this much critical attention, and the fact that Boyhood is the one selected from his wealth of works as the chosen Oscar-worthy masterpiece of his filmography only further illustrates my point that people don't care about quality, but are actually quite obsessed with gimmick. Boyhood was shot over the course of 12 years. An impressively long filming schedule that's definitely ballsy in the fact that Linklater was banking on zero cast fatalities by the end of that decade-long stretch of time, and the fact he was able to give viewers a chance to watch the characters actually age in front of their eyes is a cool effect. But apart from that one-of-a-kind gimmick, what more does this movie really have to offer? Linklater is a great writer able to win you over with his characters over the course of 10 minutes at a time, but with nearly 3 hours, there wasn't a single character in this movie that I felt was even a fraction as developed as they ought to have been. The main character is the central focus of the movie (obviously), but never does he even feel like a real, fully fleshed-out character. 12 years of his characters aging and during none of that did Linklater think to include any actual character development. Aging and developing are not the same thing. It felt like a catch-all of everything stereotypically coming-of-age. Every plot point (or lack thereof) seems to go out of its way to be relatable to everyone who watches it. Everyone who watches this movie talks about how much they can relate to the characters and situations in it. Did anyone ever stop for one second to wonder why that is? Because this movie tells a story that's so bland, so generic, and so absolutely vanilla, *anyone* could relate to it on some level. Does that make it good? Everyone has eaten at McDonald's, does *that* make it good? Yes, this is the McDonald's of movies, but everyone seems to be in denial of that fact. It's a dull movie that won over critics and audiences alike with its "stunning portrait" of childhood and what it's like to be alive...or rather, what it's like to sit in front of a screen and watch a group of actors get progressively older.
3. Nymphomaniac
Directed by Lars Von Trier
Now, this one isn't exactly fair of me, considering I never got around to watching Vol. II, but after seeing the first 2-hour pile of poo Lars Von Trier farted out, I felt absolutely no desire to finish it up. Sex addiction is an interesting enough topic - one handled effectively by Steve McQueen with Shame. But how does Von Trier deal with the subject? He turns it into a gimmick, of course! One of the most predictably "risque" filmmakers of our time, this is a director who has great potential (potential he sometimes meets) but seems to prefer shocking critics and audiences with how bold and daring he is. But once the gimmick of famous actors and actresses making oh-faces wears off, there is fairly little left to gain from this movie. As an experience, I found it unpleasant, uninspired, and unrewarding. Perhaps my opinion would be swayed on a re-watch, or after completing Vol. II, but after doing a little reading up on the plot and skimming through bits of the second one, I doubt I'll ever find myself going back to this movie or finishing what I started. Lars is a pretentious turd and as much as I enjoy some of the films he's made, I will never understand the love for him his fans seem to blindly possess.
2. Big Eyes
Directed by Tim Burton
For years, I have been at Tim Burton's throat (not literally, of course), demanding a more subdued film that explores interesting characters and ideas, and not just more of the same old swirly, faux-quirky stylized smut that he's been making for the past 15 years. Finally, we get Big Eyes, a drama about a painter, fraud, and it's starring two of the most talented actors currently working. FINALLY, a movie by one of my favorite nostalgic directors that might actually be good! So, what did I get? One of the dullest movies of the year. Everything about this movie is either forgettable, or just plain bad. Yes, Tim Burton ditched his usual schtick, but instead he produced a movie so devoid of any semblance of artistic distinction, it could have been made by any halfwit with a camera and a ho-hum script. In Christoph Waltz's attempts at creating a charming, yet despicable character, he manages to instead be far more irritating in an unrealistic, manic, over-the-top performance that makes his role in The Green Hornet seem Oscar-worthy by comparison. Did he forget that he was in Inglourious Basterds? For an actor who made his career by playing a charming, evil man, he seems to not remember how it's done. Regardless, it's not just Waltz who made this movie irritating to me. Amy Adams also gives a dull, lifeless performance as a woman with less personality than a stick - a woman we, the audience, are intended to feel pity for. I didn't, though. I felt bad for myself, because I just had my expectations crushed. A poor effort from not just one, but *several* great talents.
1. Tusk
Directed by Kevin Smith
Have you ever met that guy who is always trying to be funny, clever, risque, and unique, but ultimately fails at being anything other than excessively annoying and totally lacking in any semblance of personality or originality? Yeah, this movie is that guy. Kevin Smith, who hasn't made a good movie since the '90s, is back at it, trying his hardest to make something super special and unique and tooootally weird. What's the result? A movie of almost sickening potential at certain moments (Walter Parks' first act monologues, for example, kept me hooked for a solid 30 minutes) that are totally swept away in a sea of stupid. Character development is brushed aside, plot points are raised and then instantly dropped, motivation is completely lost, the running time is about 40 minutes too long, and there is far too much talking that doesn't add anything to the story at all. For well over an hour, I clung to the hopes that the movie would improve, giving me more of Parks and his genuinely intriguing character. Once it hit a certain point, I only stuck around so I could have a new least-favorite movie of the year. Not only was it the worst I've seen all year, but this is also the biggest letdown and most painfully dull, annoying, and worthless UGH movie of 2014.
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