Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Review: Thankskilling 3 (2012)

Thankskilling 3
Directed by Jordan Downey



Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a new least-favorite movie of all-time.

How can a movie this idiotic, childish, unfunny, insultingly bad and completely pointless exist? Not a single moment of this 100-minute turd is anything but unpleasant, as it does nothing but try to one-up the original by completely missing the point as to what made the first one so good. Instead of focusing on anything that could be of even the slightest interest to the audience and giving the cheap laughs and silly one-liners we were hoping for, this movie tries its hardest to be offensive and ridiculous without giving so much as a second thought to whether or not it might be misconceived as enjoyable. The joke of having a killer turkey puppet with a foul mouth is enough to sustain a 60-70 minute B-movie. It was a funny premise, and the way it was presented made it quite an entertaining experience. What they didn't seem to understand was that A) this wasn't a movie that needed a sequel in the first place, B) 100 minutes is far too long for a movie like this to be, and C) if you're going to make a sequel, it wouldn't hurt to make it something like the original. People wanting a movie that's even at all like the original Thankskilling will be sorely disappointed, as this horrific display barely even bothers to give the turkey anything to do.

Now, we all have to accept the fact that the original is a really, really stupid movie. It's hilarious, but stupid. That being said, the reactions of the characters and the absurdity of the situation was well-balanced enough to keep it from totally losing its audience. Yes, some really dumb things happened in that movie, but for the most part, the characters involved were normal enough and believably human to the point where it became humorous. What this movie doesn't seem to understand is that in order for an absurd joke to work, everything surrounding that joke can't be equally ridiculous. If everything in the movie is insanely stupid and unbelievable, suddenly the turkey becomes relatively pointless. The joke is killed. A good part of what made the first one (and almost every movie of this particular brand of humor) so entertaining was in how it toyed with your expectations and was convincing enough at seemingly taking place in reality to make you laugh and be totally surprised by the reactions of its characters when an absurd situation arose. This movie never gives you any expectations, apart from a never-ending barrage of unfunny genitalia jokes that don't seem to have any more thought put into them than a 6-year-old who just discovered a new swear word. Not to mention the fact that this endless stream of diarrhea doesn't even slow down enough to let any of these "jokes" be delivered with any comedic timing. So you're basically stuck watching over an hour and a half of unfunny, poorly-delivered, infantile jokes that never seem to slow down or stop.

Let me make this clear: I was not offended by the content in this movie. A lot of the things that were said and done in this movie were gross, but I'm not the kind of person who gets offended by things like that. It's the fact that someone out there thought what they wrote, put on film, and presented to others here was something anyone could find funny at all that offends me. I am offended by the existence of a movie this bad. There is nothing redeemable here. Not a single worthwhile joke, not even to me -- which is saying something. If you enjoy this movie, I will assume there is something so horribly wrong with you, no doctor or medication in the world could save you. Yes, it was that bad.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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